Dearest Madam Not-President,
You’d think losing a presidential election to an orange-coifed reality TV star would be clue enough. Especially considering you may have cheated a little bit. Allegedly. Not unlike Blue Dress Billy, the man you’ve stuck by as he sticks it in others, has cheated on you. Harsh? Hold onto your saggy ass. Grab an extra pantsuit for good measure.
Here’s the real truth, presented in only the second paragraph of this open letter: you lost the presidential election because America hates you. “Hate” is not a word I use as flippantly as your side of the ideological aisle. “Dislike” isn’t a strong enough term for someone who tests the upchuck reflexes of even those with the most resilient of stomachs. “Despise” is too strong a term for someone who thinks so highly of herself but whom most Americans think so little of. So “hate” is my preferred verb for your royal smugness.
This past week, little snippets of your upcoming book, aptly titled What Happened, have erupted across the internet like a case of hemorrhoids. In it, you’ve blamed Bernie Sanders for somehow inspiring Donald Trump to brand you “Crooked Hillary.” Then you blamed your un-predecessor President Obamafor not stopping his pal Vlad, and of course FBI Director Comey for his ill-timed (for you) condemnation letter.
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